


The Lady Stardust

by 20plus10 (Helen_Pie)



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Space, M/M, Space Pirates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-07 12:26:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7714813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helen_Pie/pseuds/20plus10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard T.J. Moon is an interplanetary bounty hunter . His mission: Retrieve the sacred Ruby of Kukundu and return it to the Psychedelic Monks, and apprehend the thief. His target: Vince Noir, smuggler, pirate, snappy dresser. </p><p>It should be fairly straightforward, but unfortunately for Howard, things don't quite go to plan...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Howard Moon’s Journal, Stardate 2321.57_

_I have received my latest mission from headquarters at last. Given the_ _~~disaster~~ _ _incident that occurred last time I wasn’t sure if I would be allowed out in the field again, but the Council of Shamen have seen fit to give me another chance. My mission: to retrieve the sacred Ruby of Kukundu, so that it can be returned to the Psychedelic Monks._

_My target is an operative known as Vince Noir, an infamous smuggler in this star system, known for his extravagant style and somewhat simple nature. How he can be both smuggler and simpleton is of little importance. He intercepted a cruiser that had been transporting the Ruby to Xooberon, and somehow it fell into his possession._

_I have tracked him down to a backwater space station of ill repute, where – if my meticulous research is correct – he will be residing for twenty four hours to restock and refuel before heading to his final destination. My course is clear; I, Howard T.J. Moon, will retrieve the ruby and apprehend Noir._

*

It wasn’t meant to go like this. The mission had been fairly simple and Howard knew this was his last chance to prove himself to the Council, in particular the cynical and sharp-tongued Saboo. Noir had been easy to locate, as Howard had entered the dingy, dimly-lit bar, his eyes were immediately drawn to the bright figure perched on a stool.

Even with his back to Howard, it was clear this was his man. His flared silken coat hung from his shoulders, almost skimming the floor, a fan of bright colours at its base. He held himself with a confidence and ease that Howard had both admired and envied in equal measure.  Then he had turned slightly, throwing his features into sharp relief. Not traditionally handsome, but certainly striking. He had strong features and large expressive eyes. He was not what Howard had been picturing at all, and this unnerved him.

It had been easy enough to draw him into conversation, whiling away the hours and plying the young man with pineapple-flavoured drinks, swapping tales of life among the stars as travellers far from home often do in stations such as these.

In truth, Howard had only left Earth in his thirtieth year, tired of his humdrum, beige existence and certain that he could become an intergalactic explorer. But Noir seemed to believe his tall tales easily enough, laughing delightedly and matching them with his own bizarre anecdotes, drawing Howard in to his technicolour world.

Howard, who had never had many friends to speak of, found him an easy conversation partner; they both had a shared love of classical Earth music, though Noir’s taste did not run to the jazz music which was Howard’s passion. Howard found himself genuinely enjoying the captain’s company. Although he had a slightly dizzy attitude, the man clearly had a sharp mind and as the night went on, their conversations evolved into companionable debate and bickering, trading light hearted barbs as though they had been friends for years.

Up until this point, all had been going to plan. Get close to the target, and get the information you need by persuasion or by force.

Looking back, it was hard to pinpoint exactly what had changed. Was it the cocked eyebrow as Howard had revealed that he didn’t really have many people he called friends? Was it the way that Noir slid his tongue along the thin straws in his ridiculous neon drink, or the kohl-smudged wink aimed at Howard when he caught him looking?

Whatever it was, the taste of pineapple on Noir’s lips was intoxicating, and the ensuing walk to where his small spacecraft was docked was a blur of rough, pressing kisses and wandering hands.

One thing had led to another and despite Howard’s absolute lack of experience he found himself in the captain’s bunk, the smaller man writhing and moaning beneath him, raven locks spread across the pillow and eyelashes fluttering against his flushed cheeks.

Howard, alone for so long, finally felt as though he had met someone who understood him.

It was a revelation.

*

_Howard Moon’s Journal, Stardate 2321.58_

_Perhaps seducing the captain was in fact the best way of getting close to him. Howard Moon, working on instinct, getting the job done by all means necessary. Comin’ at ya like a laser, pow._

_I have to admit that I find myself conflicted. Yes, I have crossed the physical boundary and met someone who, despite knowing so little about me, seems to have very real connection with me. But Vince - this man - is a wanted criminal. I must remember my purpose and do what I set out to do…I can’t afford to fail again -_

Howard’s mental log was cut short as the figure next to him began to stir. He stretched lazily, warm and pliant and feline, and finally opened his eyes, propping his head on his hand and fixing has gaze on Howard.

“Alright?” he smirked, one side of his mouth pulling up at the corner.

“Y-yes,” Howard stuttered, awkward and stumbling once more under the other man’s scrutiny.

“Last night was genius, Howard.” Noir began trailing kisses along Howard’s collar bone; each light touch of his lips a further dent in Howard’s resolve.  Howard remained silent, scanning the room where clothes had been haphazardly discarded the night before, mentally checking for weapons and formulating an exit strategy, trying desperately to ignore his body’s growing response to Vince’s attentions.

He hadn’t managed to get any information about the whereabouts of the Ruby the night before, despite several attempts. Noir had just smiled enigmatically in response to any subtle questions about his profession, and adeptly changed the subject, proving once again that he was not quite as stupid as his reputation suggested. It would have to be force then.

“Back in a sec, yeah?” Noir slipped on a thin blue kimono and sashayed into the head. This was it. It was time.

Dressing quickly, Howard retrieved his phaser from its holster and slung his ammunition belt across his shoulders. As he heard the swish of the doors to the bedroom, he turned sharply, pointing the weapon at Noir with a surprisingly steady hand.

“Time’s up Noir. Give me the Ruby, or I’ll shoot.”

“No, I don’t think I will actually,” Noir was eerily calm, leaning casually against the doorway.

“Well then you leave me no choice, sir. Don’t think I won’t do it.”

“Go on then Howard,” Vince took a few measured steps closer to the taller man, tilting his head to one side and narrowing his eyes. “Do it.”

Howard cocked the phaser, praying that Noir wouldn’t notice the slight tremor in his hand and placing his finger on the heavy metal switch to change the setting from “stun” to “kill” with an ominous click. Suddenly the weapon let out a low whine, and unexpectedly powered down, cold and lifeless in his hand. Panicked, Howard scrabbled at his belt only to find every cartridge empty, and his small stock of laser grenades completely missing.

“What the – “ he spluttered, eyes widening and arms flailing.

Noir smirked, bending down to pick up a pair of tight black trousers from the floor where it had been left in haste the night before, and pulling them on with enviable grace. “I’m sorry Howard, I really am,” he sounded almost genuine. “But you didn’t think I’d let you on the Lady Stardust with a loaded weapon did you?”

“But when – how – “ he couldn’t form a sentence, he reeled, head spinning as he tried to make sense of his predicament. Meanwhile Noir shimmied out of his kimono, giving Howard a quick glimpse of his slim white torso before pulling on a scarlet top. He shrugged. “Deactivated it while you were sleeping, didn’t I? Weren’t exactly hard.”

“So what are you going to do with me then?” Howard didn’t have the energy to sound anything other than hollow. Another disastrous mission. There was no way Saboo was letting him continue to work for the Board of Shamen after this.

“Hmmmm…” Noir had somehow managed to acquire a blade as he dressed. Rooted to the spot, feeling as though he had the chokes, Howard could only swallow nervously as the captain closed the space between them. Placing a steadying hand on Howard’s broad shoulder, Noir carefully pressed the knife to the underside of the other man’s jaw, tilting his face so Howard could no longer avoid his predatory gaze. “What **am** I going to do with you?”  The blade scraped lightly at his early morning stubble.

“Please don’t kill me,” Howard wobbled, “I’ve got so much to give!”

Suddenly Noir and his knife vanished and the captain began to laugh – had Howard been in any other situation the somewhat girlish giggle might have amused him in turn.

“Nah, I ain’t going to kill you.” Noir’s face was transformed by a bright, easy grin that made him look even younger than his years. “I’m going to kidnap you!”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard adjusts to life aboard The Lady Stardust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter setting the scene for adventures ahead...

“No no no, you’re doing it all wrong!”

Noir was practically stamping his foot in irritation, leaning over and huffing at Howard as he typed at the console.

“I don’t see why I should be made to write this bloody thing in the first place to be honest…”

“I told you, I can’t spell! Read it back.”

Howard repressed an exasperated sigh. On top of being kidnapped by – there was no other word for it – a pirate, he was now being forced to compose his own ransom note, dictated to him from a man who clearly had no appreciation for the power of the written word.

_“To the Board of Shamen,_

_Nice try, but the Ruby is mine now. It’s your own fault for letting me steal it from underneath your stuck up noses. I’ve also kidnapped the bounty hunter you sent for me as well. You might want to re-think who you recruit coz I’ll be honest, he was pretty easy to fool. If you ever want to see him again, you’ll have to pay 10,000 credits into the bank account below._

_From_

_Captain Vince Noir”_  

“Genius, get it sent.”

*

_Howard Moon’s Journal Star Date 2321.62_

_I’ve spent the past five days travelling through the galaxy to an unknown destination, my only companions a vain, sparkly git and a talking gorilla named Bollo. I am a hostage, but for some reason Noir – who has insisted I call him Vince – is being extremely courteous and friendly towards me. Clearly seduction and deception are everyday occurrences to him, brushed off as yesterday’s news. I don’t think he has it in him to hold a grudge._

_I am allowed free reign of the ship and Vince encourages it, beaming like a proud mother when he took me on the official “tour.”_

_He is…so unlike I imagined him to be. He’s bright and childlike and just free with all his thoughts and feelings. Just like in the bar where we met, I find myself drawn in, and when I do see him at meal times we banter back and forth, him dreaming up all sorts of tales and me, ever the realist, trying to make some sense of them and get to the truth. He claims he was raised in the jungle. I don’t know what to make of it._

_The Lady Stardust is a small vessel, built for four though when I asked Vince why he was running a crew of two he just shrugged. Bollo began muttering and shooting me glares like daggers so I thought it best not to bring it up again. The ship itself seems to be flying on a wing and a prayer, held together with glitter glue and sellotape. Vince is hardly technically minded and who knows what Bollo makes of it all. The engine room has been niggling at me like an insect bite; it’s a metallic shambles in desperate need of someone to bring order to its chaos…_

*

“Alright Howard. Why are you in my engine room?”

Howard straightened up too quickly and his head bounced off the nearest beam with a dull thud, causing him to drop his spanner on his toe. “What does it look like? This engine room, sir, is a travesty.”

Howard bent back to his task, rummaging through the rusty tool box to distract himself from Vince’s assessing blue gaze, making a note on a PADD as he inspected each item. He didn’t notice Vince padding towards him until a pale hand was resting on his shoulder, followed by a chin as Vince peered at the inventory in Howard’s hand.

Howard felt his blood run hot then cold with shame. Just feeling Vince that close brought back memories of the other night that he had carefully repressed. He thought he’d been seducing Vince but really, hadn’t it been the other way round? He had always pictured his first time to be with a sophisticated lady, not a glam rock pirate of questionable morals. The captain’s presence was just a reminder of his humiliation at his hands.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me.”

“Alright, easy tiger,” Vince took a step back and held his hands up as if in surrender. “Just wanted to see what you were doing that was all.”

“I’m making an inventory of the tools,” Howard huffed.

“Why?”

“Because your engine room is making me lose sleep and I might as well make myself useful for once.” Howard carefully avoided adding that he was less likely to run into Vince if he was hidden away below deck.

Vince perched on a nearby stack of crates and began to swing his legs. “Aw, you’re useful Howard. Remember in the mess the other day when you made me those pancakes? We made up that funny little song about them and everything!”

Desperate to eat something warm, Howard had happened upon some pancake mix in a storage unit and had set to work cooking up a plateful. It seemed only fair to offer some to Vince who has been absolutely delighted at the chance to eat hot food smothered in sugar. He asked Howard to explain what he was doing and somehow…somehow it had turned into a spoken word song that took on a life of its own. For the briefest moment, Howard felt that he had been among friends, until he remembered he wasn’t there by choice and was on board a pirate ship alongside a powerful stolen artefact.

The rhythmic thud-thud-thud of impractical silver platform boots brought him back to the present.

“Haven’t you got anything better to do than sit there watching me?”

“Not really,” Vince replied. “Hey Howard, are you avoiding me?”

Howard put down the PADD and turned to stare at Vince in disbelief. “Avoiding the man who – who seduced me, took advantage of me then took me captive? A menacing stranger who's taking me to god knows where to do god knows what?”

“I ain't menacing! Well, I am a bit I suppose," he flashed a rueful smile. "Sorry about threatening you with a dagger and that. But you were the one who wanted to shoot me! Bounty hunter, remember?”

“Tried to – I wouldn’t have – I -” Howard was at a loss for words, which was happening worryingly often around this man.

“I mean think about it, you were the one who came on my ship, slept with me then pointed a phaser at my head on my way back from the loo. I was just protecting my interests. If anything Howard, I should be avoiding you!”

Ah. He hadn’t really thought of it that way. Vince hopped down from the crates and gave Howard a tentative smile. “When they pay your ransom, I’ll let you go anywhere you like you know. I’ve just got one thing I need to do first then you’ll be free to go, promise. As long as you don’t come after me again, I’m not used to actually getting on with people who are trying to arrest me or whatever. Deal?”

He offered his hand as though half expecting Howard to dismiss him, but to both of their surprise Howard took it in a firm handshake. “Deal. But I want you to tell me where we’re going.”

“‘Course I’ll tell you that,” Vince grinned, “We’ll be there in a few hours. We’re going to the planet that I’m from. We’re going to Camden.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vince, Howard and Bollo arrive at a planet called Camden.

Camden was a riot of colours and shapes, all vying for the attention of the untrained eye, a flash of gold here, a swirl of lilac there, all conspiring to overwhelm any visitors with its finery. On landing, Vince, Howard and Bollo had headed straight to the bustling markets, Vince wending his way through the labyrinthine passages with the skill of a native, and Howard sticking close by, knowing that if they were separated it wouldn’t be much of an exaggeration to say that he would never find his way out (his sense of direction was…questionable).

Amongst the outlandish costumes, spicy smells and pressing crowds, there was a strange undertone to Camden that Howard couldn’t quite put his finger on. Vince was clearly well known, with passers by stopping to point and wave, but although the markets were a hive of activity, there was a taste of anxiety in the air, shown in the way shoppers hurried from stall to stall and kept their children close by, shepherding them with shielding arms. Howard noticed all this as they walked, but didn’t have much time to dwell on it as they arrived at a small, slightly shabby shop named “Nabootique.”

Inside, it appeared to sell second hand items and curios, but judging by the layer of dust covering the counter and shelves, it hadn’t been occupied in some time.

Vince led them up a flight of stairs into a small flat in a slightly better state. He shrugged of his jacket and threw it over the settee, before heading to the kitchen to clatter about. Bollo just looked at Howard, grunted, and lumbered off to another room, leaving him quite alone.

Shifting uncomfortably from one foot to another, Howard stuffed his hands in his pockets and cast a look around the living area, taking in the mish mash of furniture and the colourful wall hangings.

One painting in particular caught his attention, a vibrant jungle scene of long grass and tigers, almost cartoon-like yet somehow more sophisticated. It was almost as though if he looked at the painting enough he could hear the rustling of large, damp leaves, and taste the humidity of the air. Learning forward, Howard peered intently at the black stripes of a tiger, his fingers itching as though he could feel it under his hands -

“Howard? HOWARD?”

He started to find that Vince had materialised at his elbow and was clicking his fingers in his face to get his attention. “What planet are you on Howard? Come on, I need you to see something.”

Vince picked up the battered brown doctor’s bag he had carried from the ship, and beckoned Howard into the back bedroom.

“What he doing here?” Bollo demanded as they entered. Vince just raised an eyebrow, effectively dulling Bollo’s protest into indistinct mutters.

“Howard…this is Naboo.”

The diminutive figure was laid out on a bed, in peacock blue robes and matching turban, hands clasped to his chest. His face was relaxed as if in sleep, but as Howard stared he realised that his chest wasn’t moving.

“Is he –“

“Dead? No. Well, sort of.” Vince didn’t take his eyes from Naboo. “He’s a Shaman, from Xooberon. He’s also one of my best friends. Sort of. Bollo here is his familiar.”

“Little Naboo was stabbed,” Bollo said as he reached down and straightened Naboo’s turban. “He very brave, was trying to help but…” he trailed off, shaking his head as if overcome and shuffling over to take the bag from Vince’s grasp. Finally lifting his eyes from Naboo, Vince met Howard’s gaze.

“That’s why I stole the Ruby, Howard. It’s the only way we can bring him back to life.”

“But…but the Board of Shamen, the ones who hired me – couldn’t they have just given you it? If he’s a shaman?”

“He went rogue about two hundred years ago,” Vince’s lips twisted in a wry smile. “They don’t want nothing to do with him. Waste of the Ruby’s power, you know. That’s why I stole it,” he smiled impishly; briefly resembling a small child caught doing something naughty.

“And now we can bring him back to life,” Bollo lifted the Ruby from the bag, its rich red light bathing the poky bedroom in warmth. Placing it on Naboo’s chest, Bollo took a step back and bowed his head. Seconds passed and the glow from the stone began to ebb away, until –

“Fuck, my head is killing me!”

“Alright Naboo?” Vince’s grin was blinding, lighting up the room as the Ruby had just moments before.

“Alright Vince.” Bollo burst into tears, burying his head in his hands, giant furry shoulders shaking. “Knock it off Bollo, didn’t you hear me saying I’ve got a blinder?” He rested a small hand on Bollo’s arm gently as his sobs subsided.

Feeling out of place, Howard took a step forward. “Er, hello Naboo,” he volunteered with a twitchy nod.

Naboo stared at him in silence for a few seconds before opening his mouth to reply.

“Who’s this ballbag?”

*

_Howard Moon’s Journal_

_I have spent the last week on Camden with Vince, Bollo and Naboo. Naboo has reopened his shop and demanded “If you’re gonna be staying here for a while, you can mind the shop for me and pay your way.” I don’t think he likes me very much, and I **know** Bollo doesn’t._

_Vince seems to alternate between hanging round the shop pestering me by day, followed by going out with various well known Camden residents in ridiculous outfits, returning in the middle of the night drunk and smelling of those fruity drinks._

_I’ve been relegated to sleep on the sofa, which isn’t so bad. It’s given me a chance to use the sound system to play jazz when there’s no one around to complain, and there are some fantastic pieces of art dotted around that keep me company when Vince is out and Naboo and Bollo are doing…whatever rogue Shamen and their familiars do._

_I’ve found out very little about Vince Noir though. From what conversations I have started with customer I know he has been smuggling for a few years, probably working with Naboo and Bollo and bringing the goods back to the Nabootique to be sold on. I know he is incredibly popular among the residents, who affectionately call him the “prince of Camden,” and liken him to the ancient human legend of Robin Hood. They rave about his fashion sense and hair, but can’t seem to remember when they first met him or where he is from._

_As for me, I ‘m still waiting for my ransom to be paid. Vince says it should be any_ _day now, and then he’ll take me home._


End file.
